So today was day 1 of my big holiday baking spree, and it went.... Okay. Typically, if I cook, I can screw up, throw it away, and move on with my day. If I cook something and it turns out amazingly, I am usually speechless and excited. But if I bake, I expect perfection, so when I fail, I am highly offended. And I failed big time today.

I have been looking for ways to send you my very best (read: perishable) desserts. Many of them I have created on my own or tailored them to be healthier but more delicious.  But, how the hell do I make them last three weeks in a shipping box without freezing them?! The good people of Pinterest, namely military wives and girlfriends, have answered that: canning.

I have never canned a thing in my life. My grandma is an expert, but it is one of the few arts she denied to teach me. The instructions online are simple, easy, quick, and seemingly foolproof. HA!

Let's begin, shall we?

First off, I'm not an idiot. I will not be sending anything that isn't fully cooked or anything that contains dairy. I decide to stick with safer foods like banana bread, cake, and pie. Now pie is a questionable one, but as long as the jar seals, theoretically, it works.

My first issue is that I don't want to send a full batch of twelve mason jars of banana bread, because seriously? Who eats twelve jars of banana bread? I think I'm a genius because I make the remainder into cupcakes for my own personal consumption/holiday gifts.

The recipe states that I should place the mason jars directly on the grates. I bought pint jars that, if you place them just so, they stay nicely on the grate.  With bare fingers. In a cold oven. In my mind, I'm screaming, "It's a trap, Heather, don't do this!" On the outside, I'm calm, cool, and collected, throwing caution to the wind (or the oven vent fan). I carefully put away the cookie sheet that I had put them on, since I no longer need it.

The second thing I notice is that the recipe is using larger main jars and vakig the bread for 45 minutes. Mine are much smaller, so let's go for 25. At 25 minutes, I realize that these babies are about to blow. I filled them WAY TOO FULL. Abort mission, grab the cookie sheet and replace under mason jars to protect roommate's oven! While having a minor panic attack, I fling the oven door open too quickly, so it snaps at the bottom.... And three mason jars fall to their doom. There are now three mason jars precariously teetering on the grate, which three are down and spilling their contents all over the oven door, side, and coil, meaning the oven is quickly smelling of smoke and death.

Have you ever noticed how potholders don't really work? Like, at all? So imagine me losing my cool while trying to right three mason jars full of bubbly hot liquid banana without burning my fingers off. I'm quite glad there was no one home to listen to me moan, scream, and nearly break down in tears from this failed project and damn mess I'm making.

By the time I have righted the overturned vessels, my potholders are covered, COVERED, in hot, sticky banana bread mix. As I close the oven door to allow them to finish baking, I turn on the stove to start warming the lids for canning. I wash my hands and throw the potholders in the wash. When I return to the kitchen, I see the full results of my disaster. There is banana bread mix on the oven door, the handle of the oven, underneath the handle of the oven, the faucet, the handles of the sink, the counter tops, and even on the vent fan button.

Moral of the story: always use protection. That, and don't can anything, ever again.
You're welcome for the banana bread.