Disappointed. Heartbroken. Confused.

I. Never. Want. To. Love. Again.

We were so in love! We had this whirlwind romance... and then you deployed. Maybe we would've fizzled out if you'd stayed home, but now I am disappointed and heartbroken and confused.

Things had been going so well. We'd been having fun, getting back to our loving selves again. And then you decided you no longer knew what you wanted and I walked away. I want you to want me. I want you to figure out your life and where it's going, because when we loved each other, we were amazing. Seeing your messages hurts. Finding every detail you left around me hurts.

I am so happy in my life, my family, my career, so why can't we figure it out and go back to being happy again?  I hate that, after a deployment and a European vacation, we can't make this work.

For each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction..

No shit.

My first thoughts, in the instant that my heart broke.

You see, I've worked my butt off for the past six years obtaining two bachelor's degrees and a master's degree. I've gone above and beyond to ensure I will have a stable, happy life. 

Today it all paid off: I was offered my dream job and happily accepted!

And not eight hours later, my heart was broken.

I have spent the past 15 months dating you. I met you three weeks before you deployed to Eastern Europe and man, what a whirlwind! You talked about our future; vacations, children, marriage. The night before you left you asked me to come with you, and when I said I couldn't, you asked me to wait for you. Instead, I nearly failed a master's class to fly to Europe to visit you on leave, and the man I met at arrivals was not the man I said goodbye to six months prior. 

I tearfully kissed you goodbye in the Munich airport, and I didn't speak to you for nearly a week after I landed stateside. You "needed space and time". You needed to figure out if I was "the girl you wanted to spend the rest of your life with". I gave you space; I gave you time. I moved on and after a week, I figured I wouldn't hear from you again.

Magically, as if you knew I'd stopped hoping you'd come back, you asked to see me when you got back and I caved. I picked you up at the airport and we had the most amazing hug and kiss when you finally landed at home. You told me there was something worth fighting for between us, and I believed you. 

It hasn't been an easy road, learning each other again, but we've tried. We've gone out on dates; we've ordered in and cuddled. I thought we were making so much progress mere days ago.... then BAM!

For each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction:

I got my dream job and then found out my boyfriend was very active on a dating site.

Using our pictures from our vacations.

Using pictures sent from his deployment.

To find a new me.

I don't like that we communicating; I feel like you're avoiding talking to me. At this point, I'm not going to throw in the towel. We have made it this far and have traveled in two foreign countries for two weeks together and I'll be damned if I give up now. I am going to pick you up at the airport in a few months and then we can go back to dating like we did before you left.
Relationships aren't easy and I feel like I'm learning a lot more about myself than I ever have. If we can make it through this deployment, we can make it through anything. I believe in our love and I'm so proud of you.

You know what the best part of this deployment is?  Not shaving my legs.


Also, the best part about celebrating my birthday without you is eating ice cream for breakfast, sipping wine in the evening and watching a chick flick that you'd never, ever watch with me.  It almost makes me want to celebrate birthdays alone.  Almost.  Next year, you can wine and dine me all you want ;)

Your kind, gentle patience is just one more reason I can't get enough of you. As I've said before, inch by inch, this is a really tough battle for me. I'm not patient. I never sleep the night before trips because I'm too excited. I pack just to repack and I make countdowns for exciting events. I was never meant for this kind of a relationship. But the thing that I hold on to is the sight of you at the airport coming home, because no matter what happens, I will be standing there with tears in my eyes and arms wide open to welcome you home.

I am ridiculously, utterly, madly in love with you. You are just right enough and just weird enough for me.

I wish I could figure out why blogger freezes every time I try to upload a picture.  I have so many funny ones I want to share with you here, but for some reason, it never works. 


I've been at work for eight hours already today and I'm tired.  I am way too overcaffeinated, meaning I'm going crazy sitting here.  Instead, I'm watching Parks and Rec on HuluPlus.  Ayyye.  Troubles.

Today was a really long day, in retrospect.  I accomplished a few tasks that have weighed heavily on my mind; more than I even knew.  But now that they're done, I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.

You see, I was able to clean out a lot of my things from my room back home, at my dad's house.  For the past two years, it has held dozens of large boxes full of dishes, cups, flowers, candles, tablecloths and centerpieces.  My closet held six pairs of khakis and vests and a very large garment bag.

I never told you that I had been engaged, because when you first told me you were leaving, I thought that was the end of our dating.  Then, I realized there was something more to 'us' than that, but you were gone and I didn't know how/when to tell you, or if it even mattered.

I was with him for just over five years.  Our original wedding date was August of 2013, which was pushed back to August 2014, but then was obviously entirely canceled.  We broke up sometime in the summer of 2014, honestly, not long before I met you, but by that time, we'd drifted so far apart that it didn't feel any different.  I was incredibly tired of crying and being lied to and hurt, and didn't even cry about the so-called "break up".  He hurt me in so many ways I never knew possible, which has made it hard for you, because of my trust issues and doubts.

Anyway, then I moved to Fargo and started a new job, one that made me SO happy and my life felt so complete.  I felt refreshed and like my old, happy self again.  I really just wanted to meet friends because it was sometimes lonely, and I wanted someone to drink a beer with at the end of a long day.  Cue, Adam.

So, my day today consisted of organizing all of the wedding things and listing it all on Craigslist, eBay, and WeddingBee.  Emotionally, it wasn't the easiest, but I feel so free!   I can't wait to get it all out of here!

I hope one day you can read this and ask any questions you may have.